Facing another Valentine’s Day as a singleton? Inner weeping and wailing already started? OK, so you haven’t yet met The One, but you’re also choosing not to settle which means you are avoiding having to worry about any of this stuff. Turn up your inner smug and feel fabulous about yourself for refusing to compromise!
- Having spent ages insisting how wonderful it is to be independent and neither “wanting nor needing a boyfriend/girlfriend actually“, you have entered into a relationship indescribably grateful to have someone to accompany you to a mediocre restaurant on a Saturday night and with whom you can get drunk on the second-cheapest bottles of wine they have. By the end of said night, you will have sternly convinced yourself that this time, no matter what happens, you WILL. NOT. FUCK. IT. UP.
- Ladies, despite declaring Caitlin Moran to be your ultimate heroine and repeatedly re-reading the chapter on not removing body hair because it’s how the patriarchy keeps us down, you will be waxed to within a millimetre of your labia’s life. But, y’know, it’s for you – you don’t need anyone else to tell you how to treat your body – right? Yeah…
- You may have, in your more lucid moments, realised that there is only actually one person you can ever imagine being with – be it George Clooney or Brenda from The Bull’s Head. But for whatever reason, you can’t be with George or Brenda: life goes on, you don’t really want to be alone, so you try to be a grown up about it and decide to try and make do/settle. Repeatedly. (If you start thinking about this during point 1, simply order another bottle.)
- Sex matters. Bad sex is worse than no sex. It ends relationships or leads people to cheat. Get good at it.
- You can remain friends with one-night-stands or FWBs, but never with someone with whom you’ve been on more than two official dates.
Unless you didn’t have sex with them.
Like people actually do that.
- You may at some point hear yourself think, “At least I’m not alone anymore.” In which case, get out. Now.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Kim is a writer who enjoys celebrity gossip a lot more than she lets on.