“How can you be bored at home with your babies? Just give it five years until they’re at school; you’ll regret it if you don’t. It’s time you’ll never get back.”
I was ordered to be happy with motherhood.
Straight up motherhood. Hold everything else.
Now there was a challenge.
Oh the guilt and resentment. What utterly useless emotions – and yet they’re what I felt for the first few years of being a mum. But you’re not allowed to say it. You’re allowed to say you’re tired, messy, “a bit down”. But to genuinely express what being a mum is like?
I believed I was rubbish at it. I’d sit miserably with my smile fixed on at coffee mornings and playgroups. Years wasted, feeling inadequate and not like the others…not as good as the others. Every day was a fucking nightmare: I’d moan, shout, scream, nag, resent and cry.
Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved my kids. I’d stick needles in my eyes for them, take a bullet and walk over hot coals – all at the same time if necessary (I’ve had worse days). However, I swear they hold meetings at which the three of them decide whose turn it is to be Pain In The Arse Of The Week, and so sometimes, despite the love, I’d just want to drive that Thunderbird over the Grand Canyon’s precipice.
Anyway, I dealt with it…cut myself loose, took ‘em with me, and started all over again. So I somehow turned back into the person I was before the little buggers turned up: I’m not watching the world through frosted glass any more.
And yes, I know, giving life is the greatest gift blah blah blah…I can only speak for myself. I have friends who want to become parents – and they’d be wonderful – but can’t. I’ve known people fall pregnant who didn’t want to, and I know of babies having babies. Life is cruel. It simply breaks my heart to think of anyone else feeling the way I used to – and I know there’s a lot of us out there.
Apparently we can now “have it all” – whatever that means. I’m incredibly lucky: I have three happy, healthy children. So what the hell else do I want?
Could I start by having back those years spent at home with the babies please?
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